Coronavirus Light–Humor to Lighten the Load

From my friend and fellow retired NDU Librarian, Alta Linthicum

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”    Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

27 thoughts on “Coronavirus Light–Humor to Lighten the Load”

  1. Teagan,, I can hardly wait. Is it a reference to David Copperfield? All of our body parts enjoy making noise as we age–knees are annoying but not as bad as digestive noises…
    Glad you liked the one-liners. Hugs on the stiff breeze that is blowing here today.

    Like

  2. Wonderful Post, Satire never grows dull…..I will be forwarding this Post! I, myself, am an Alcohol Fueled Dragster. my poison is Irish Cream Liquor & Vodka, coffee in the daytime, water mix at night. Yesterday one of my good neighbors dropped off a bottle of Home Made Wine, & Fresh Smoked Salmon, no wonder why I chose Alaska to make my last stand……Here we have each other’s back…..Keep writing my Love!

    Liked by 2 people

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