From a forwarded email:
You come from dust and to dust you will return. That’s why you shouldn’t dust. It could be someone you know.
When one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you answer your phone with “Hello. You’re on the air”, most telemarketers will quickly hang up.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere. It makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a Mental Hospital.
For Sale. Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
It’s not the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks. (Charlie Chaplin)
They say marriages are made in Heaven. Then again, so is lightning and thunder.
Maybe the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.
If you wanna know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave most of it to.
Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. (Yogi Berra)
This “killing them with kindness” is taking way longer than I expected.
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh shit. They’re gonna find me naked.”
One minute you’re young and fun. And the next you’re turning down the stereo in your car so you can see better.
One day you’ll be able to tell your grandkids that you survived the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. (Will Rogers)
Never miss a good chance to shut up. (Will Rogers – again)
And finally – Can we all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to the question “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now”.