Retirment: What to Expect

From some retired friends of mine.

Retirement—what to expect

1. My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

 2. I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

3. I thought growing old would take longer.

4. My bucket list: keep breathing.

5. Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

6. Just once, I want a username & password prompt to say: “close enough.”

7. Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

8. I’m a multi-tasker. I can listen, ignore, & forget all at the same time!|

9. At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin & toss it into the crowd to see who is next!

10. Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it

11. Went to an antique show & people were bidding on me

12. People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable

13. Retired – Under new management. See spouse for details

14. When you can’t find the sunshine … be the sunshine

15. I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights

16. Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done

17. I don’t fall – I do random gravity checks

18. My heart says “chocolate & wine” but my jeans say, “please, please, please, eat a salad!

19. Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them

20. One minute you’re young & fun. The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better

21. I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds

22. Losing weight isn’t working for me, so from now I’m concentrating on getting taller

23. Some people are like clouds – once they disappear it’s a beautiful day

24. Some people you’re glad to see coming, some you’re glad to see leaving

25. My body is a temple – ancient & crumbling

26. Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it

27. I came. I saw. I forgot. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on

28. Senility. If you see this same list a year from now you will think they are all new!!

23 thoughts on “Retirment: What to Expect”

    1. Because spouse jokes are common punchlines for retirement jokes- -“Half the income, double the spouse” to make it role neutral. Obviously, one can be happily retired without a spouse.

      Liked by 1 person

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