A fresh look at the Lock Down via On the Lighter Side ~ Signs of the Times
Unfortunately this site has been taken down. Too bad because they had some great signs.
Tag: Coronavirus humor
Coronavirus Light–The Covid-19
Coronavirus Light 6
Have you tried a Quarantini from your Isobar during your Locktail?
https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/covidiots-quarantinis-linguist-explains-how-covid-19-has-infected-our-language
Coronavirus Light, 5
More from Mesquite, NV.
Me: Alexa, what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture !”
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home !
Tomorrow is the National Home-School Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all-clear. You’re welcome!
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
Do you think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people home-schooled by day-drinkers.
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair dye and extensions!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit and stay healthy.
We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said, “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
Is April the Cruelest Month: 5 Points for No and 5 Points for Yes
“April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.” by T.S. Elliot
Many of us have entered our second month of social isolation. The early euphoria that we are all in this together and we’ll get through this has long waned. It has become Ground Hog Day where we need visual cues like what’s on television to help us remember what day of the week it is. Weekdays and weekends have blurred for most of us.
April is NOT the cruelest month:
1. In many states, we are flattening the coronavirus curve by successfully maintaining social distancing. https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/us-map
2. For most of us, the weather is getting better and we have the time to observe Spring’s progress.
3. We have time to spend with our families.
4. We have time to read, write or pursue hobbies
5. We can get to those chores we have been putting off.
April IS the Cruelest Month:
1. Unemployment is at an all time high.
2. The weather is getting better and we can not go anywhere.
3. Unless we get on the computer, there are no new conversations to be had.
4. You are bored, bored, bored.
5. I’m reduced to making this a blog post
.
Corona Virus Light 4
From Alaskaman speaks
One More 4 U “I called the suicide prevention hotline last night, and they put me on hold for 20 minutes, then they got back on the line and said; “We talked it over and we think you are doing the right thing.” The I called dial a prayer and they told me to go to Hell…..
From GP Cox at Pacific Paratrooper
Coronavirus Light–One liners
I got these from my friend and fellow retired NDU library staff who is enjoying retirement in Mesquite, NV. Gotta give those retirees credit–they do collect some fun coronavirus memes and one-liners.
The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Coronavirus Light–Some Churches Do Have a Sense of Humor
Live in the time of Coronavirus, Pt 7–I’ll Drink to That
“U.S. sales of alcoholic beverages were up 55 percent in the week ending March 21, according to Nielsen. Spirits sales were up 75 percent in the same period, wine sales were up 66 percent, beer sales up 42 percent,” reports Cyril Penn on WineBusiness.com. “What’s more, Nielsen said online sales of beer wine and spirits were up 243 percent versus the same week the year before.”
In Virginia, libraries, schools/universities, courts, and the DMV are all closed indefinitely. However, the states’ Alcohol Beverage Control (ABC) stores are considered essential along with grocery stores, pharmacies, laundries and dry cleaners, gas stations, etc. I guess the state has to make money somehow.
Virginia, a former blue law state, has loosened the requirements on who can offer take-out liquor–breweries can now offer deliveries, many wineries are offering free shipping, and restaurants can sell their bottles of wine to go at discounted prices.
One the other hand, many distilleries have switched from making spirits to hand sanitizers.
Is your wine cellar or beer stash still intact? What is your favorite tipple during the pandemic
Corona Virus Light -3
From GP Cox at Pacific Paratrooper:
Our community has its own TV station, and one I saw on that was, “All the major stores here in Florida have designated hours for seniors to do their shopping – the other 10 people in the state are enjoying having the store to themselves the rest of the day!”
From my friend, the Bionic Blonde:
Heard a doctor on TV saying in this time of Covid-19 and staying at home, we should focus on inner peace. To help achieve inner peace, we should always finish things we’ve started. I searched through my house to find things I’d started but hadn’t finished. I’ve now finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of bourbon, a bodle of Balleys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminum scripshun, and a bocks of choclet. U haf no idear how feckin fabulus I feal rite now! Sned this to all yur frends who need inner peas. An telum u luvum. And two, hash yer wands. Stay saf avrybobby!
From Celia at Fig Jam and Lime Cordial:
ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
“Are – my – test – results – back?”
