From a forwarded email
|The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.” |
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…
If 2020 was a math problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people around my age mountain climbing, I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
At what point can we just start using 2020 as a swear word? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abs-2020-lutely.”
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
This is the day dogs have been waiting for. They realize their owners can’t leave the house and they get them 24/7. Dogs are rejoicing everywhere. Cats are contemplating suicide.
If you are trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.