Coronavirus Light–The Covid-19
Category: Humor
Reblog: Advice I Would Give My Younger Self
Tony’s Bologna offers stand up, tongue in cheek observations. Sometime his unique point of view is right on point . IMHO this post is one of his best.
To bait the hook:
Figure out What You Want to Do and Double Down
I’ve been like a freshly caught fish, flip-flopping on the shore of choice. Some days I want to do this, so I flop over here. Other days I want to do that, so I flop over there. Listen, choose one thing you want to go for and go all in. Think about what excites you and do that. Your work should ideally be confused for your play. Although it’s more comfortable to ease into the pool of life, how you get to the other shore quicker is diving in and swimming confidently, hence the double down.
To read more, click here.
One-Liners that may Make You Think
I merely forward these. I didn’t write any of them.
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably ride by earth and lock their doors.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens……
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of….it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I thought getting old would take longer.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
Me: Sobbing my heart out, “ I can’t see you anymore…..I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.
Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were !!!!extremely unlikely.
Coronavirus Light 6
Have you tried a Quarantini from your Isobar during your Locktail?
https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/covidiots-quarantinis-linguist-explains-how-covid-19-has-infected-our-language
Poem 30: The Race is Won
The 30th poem on the 30th day
This race is over, Hiphiphooray.
I persevered and now I’m done.
The Poetry Month marathon is won.
Poem 29: Is it Today, Yesterday, or Tomorrow?
It can not be the present
COVID-19 is a gift that no one wants,
to give or receive.
Poem 27: What Will You Do When Quarantine is Through?
In an optimistic point of view
When this is done, I finally knew
That when released from this I’d find
The boring world I left behind
But now that world will seem brand new
Because my choices finally grew.
To go outside and just explore
A different world than I’ve seen before.
Poem 25: Headlines by Book Order
If librarians
organized the headlines, book
covers would be words.
Live in the Time of Coronavirus: Pt 11, Quinine or Tonic Preceded Hydroxychloroquine
This is part of an email chain so I can not vouch for its accuracy. It is an interesting tale.
For any of you that may take what President Trump says literally, I am not endorsing the nonprescription use of hydroxychloroquine. You’re on your own as far as deciding to have a G&T or a glass of plain tonic water.
Hydroxychloroquine and its connection with India.
As most of us are already aware, Hydroxychloroquine has already taken the world by storm. Every newspaper is talking about it, and all countries are requesting India to supply it.
Now, a curious person might wonder why and how this chemical composition is so deeply entrenched in India, and is there any history behind it.
Well, there is an interesting history behind it which goes all the way to Tipu Sultan’s defeat. In 1799, when Tipu was defeated by the British, the whole of Mysore Kingdom with Srirangapatnam as Tipu’s capital, came under British control. For the next few days, the British soldiers had a great time celebrating their victory, but within weeks, many started feeling sick due to Malaria, because Srirangapatnam was a highly marshy area with severe mosquito trouble.
The local Indian population had over the centuries, developed self immunity, and also all the spicy food habits also helped to an extent. Whereas the British soldiers and officers who were suddenly exposed to harsh Indian conditions, started bearing the brunt.
To quickly overcome the mosquito menace, the British Army quickly shifted their station from Srirangapatnam to Bangalore (by establishing the Bangalore Cantonment region), which was a welcome change, especially due to cool weather, which the Brits were gavely longing for ever since they had left their shores. But the malaria problem still persisted because Bangalore was also no exception to mosquitoes.
Around the same time in 18th century, European scientists had discovered a chemical composition called “Quinine” which could be used to treat malaria, but it was yet to be extensively tested at large scale. This malaria crisis among British Army came at an opportune time, and thus Quinine was imported in bulk by the Army and distributed to all their soldiers, who were instructed to take regular dosages (even to healthy soldiers) so that they could build immunity. This was followed up in all other British stations throughout India, because every region in India had malaria problem to some extent.
But there was a small problem. Although sick soldiers quickly recovered, many more soldiers who were exposed to harsh conditions of tropical India continued to become sick, because it was later found that they were not taking dosages of Quinine. Why? Because it was very bitter!! So, by avoiding the bitter Quinine, British soldiers were lagging behind on their immunity, thereby making themselves vulnerable to Malaria in the tropical regions of India.
That’s when all the top British officers and scientists started experimenting ways to persuade their soldiers to strictly take these dosages, and during their experiments, they found that the bitter Quinine mixed with Juniper based liquor, actually turned somewhat into a sweet flavor. That’s because the molecular structure of the final solution was such that it would almost completely curtail the bitterness of Quinine.
That juniper based liquor was Gin. And the Gin mixed with Quinine was called “Gin & Tonic”, which immediately became an instant hit among British soldiers.
The same British soldiers who were ready to even risk their lives but couldn’t stand the bitterness of Quinine, started swearing by it daily when they mixed it with Gin. In fact, the Army even started issuing few bottles of Gin along with “tonic water” (Quinine) as part of their monthly ration, so that soldiers could themselves prepare Gin & Tonic and consume them everyday to build immunity.
To cater to the growing demand of gin & other forms of liquor among British soldiers, the British East India company built several local breweries in and around Bengaluru, which could then be transported to all other parts of India. And that’s how, due to innumerable breweries and liquor distillation factories, Bengaluru had already become the pub capital of India way back during British times itself. Eventually, most of these breweries were purchased from British organizations after Indian independence, by none other than Vittal Mallya (Vijay Mallya’s father), who then led the consortium under the group named United Breweries headquartered in Bengaluru.
Coming back to the topic, that’s how Gin & Tonic became a popular cocktail and is still a popular drink even today. The Quinine, which was called Tonic (without gin), was widely prescribed by Doctors as well, for patients who needed cure for fever or any infection. So, that’s how the word “Tonic” became a colloquial word for “Western medicine” in India.
Over the years, Quinine was developed further into many of its variants and derivatives and widely prescribed by Indian doctors. One such descendent of Quinine, called Hydroxychloroquine, eventually became the defacto cure for malaria, which is now suddenly the most sought after drug in the world today.
And that’s how, a simple peek into the history of Hydroxychloroquine takes us all the way back to Tipu’s defeat, mosquito menace, liquor rationing, colorful cocktails, tonics and medicinal cures.
Coronavirus Light, 5
More from Mesquite, NV.
Me: Alexa, what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture !”
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home !
Tomorrow is the National Home-School Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all-clear. You’re welcome!
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
Do you think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people home-schooled by day-drinkers.
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair dye and extensions!
Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit and stay healthy.
We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said, “what the hell do you want now?”
When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
Poem 23: Shakespeare’s Birthday
Happy Birthday to the Bard
We really can’t send you a birthday card
Your rhymes are better and more renowned
Than the rhymes, I’ve read on the cards I’ve found.
Why do rhymes today sound so trite?
Is it the modern way that we write?
Our vocabulary may have gone astray
by using emojis to mean what we say.
Is an emoji worth a thousand words?
The very thought seems so absurd.
We couldn’t use an emoji to write a sonnet
even if we stumbled upon it.
Poem 22: Rituals
Our rituals can
Hold us up or hold us back.
How do yours hold you?
Poem 21: Geezer Par Excellence
Thanks to Allen Rizzi for the thought.
I am a geezer par excellence
as long as my ego does not exceed
the knowledge I have to share.
Some people do not know
when to stop talking,
running their mouths
ad nauseam.
Make them wish
you had said more
rather than sorry
that you did.
Beware the 80 somethings, they are the boomer’s version of teenagers.
Poem 20: Reading and a Library Card
This little guy, so cute in his mask
Knows the answer to questions we ask
How can I travel when I’m stuck at home?
With a good book, the world you can roam.
How can travel when I can’t leave my yard?
All you need is a library card.
With free books online, you can read anywhere.
Even if your bookshelf is dusty and bare.
Poem 19: Is it dirty or is it clutter?
Is it dirty or is it clutter,
Germophobes have been known to mutter.
Dirty dishes or shoes on the floor,
which of these two, bother you more?
Can you put it away? Does it need sanitizing?
Does it stink too badly for simple disguising?
Clutter is messy and could cause you to trip
Dirty is worse and a health hazard slip.
Books, shoes, and jackets may lay ’round in heaps
But using my bathroom won’t give you the creeps
My kitchen is clean and my dishes are done.
But if you want clutter picked up, I’m not that someone.
Poem 18: What’s a Weekend?
When I was working,
Weekends were for catching up,
visiting the farmer’s market,
having meals with friends,
taking short trips.
After I retired,
Weekends were for
having meals with friends who still worked
staying home because everyone else
was on the roads,
in the stores,
taking short trips.
Rush hours were usually known
during the week
On the weekend, rush hour
could be anytime.
While we are quarantined,
every day is the same:
No traffic jams,
no meeting friends anywhere,
no shopping except essential businesses
no short trips.
Can we have our old lives back, please?
Is April the Cruelest Month: 5 Points for No and 5 Points for Yes
“April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.” by T.S. Elliot
Many of us have entered our second month of social isolation. The early euphoria that we are all in this together and we’ll get through this has long waned. It has become Ground Hog Day where we need visual cues like what’s on television to help us remember what day of the week it is. Weekdays and weekends have blurred for most of us.
April is NOT the cruelest month:
1. In many states, we are flattening the coronavirus curve by successfully maintaining social distancing. https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/us-map
2. For most of us, the weather is getting better and we have the time to observe Spring’s progress.
3. We have time to spend with our families.
4. We have time to read, write or pursue hobbies
5. We can get to those chores we have been putting off.
April IS the Cruelest Month:
1. Unemployment is at an all time high.
2. The weather is getting better and we can not go anywhere.
3. Unless we get on the computer, there are no new conversations to be had.
4. You are bored, bored, bored.
5. I’m reduced to making this a blog post
.
Corona Virus Light 4
From Alaskaman speaks
One More 4 U “I called the suicide prevention hotline last night, and they put me on hold for 20 minutes, then they got back on the line and said; “We talked it over and we think you are doing the right thing.” The I called dial a prayer and they told me to go to Hell…..
From GP Cox at Pacific Paratrooper
Poem 15: Tax Deadline, NOT 15 April 2020
In 2020, you can relax
You have ’til July to pay your tax
July 15th is the new due date
Procrastinators will still be late,
Since many of you are sitting at home
Go over your taxes with a fine-toothed comb
So when this is over you can go have fun
Because your tax work will already be done.
Coronavirus Light–One liners
I got these from my friend and fellow retired NDU library staff who is enjoying retirement in Mesquite, NV. Gotta give those retirees credit–they do collect some fun coronavirus memes and one-liners.
The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
