Aging

From a forwarded email

        About Aging:  

If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.” – Edgar Howe 

“Old age comes at a bad time.” – San Banducci     

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” – Jennifer Yane 

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir    

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain  “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller   

“Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns     

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo  Rosenberg  
 
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault   

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben     

“At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns     

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser   

“The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot     

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers     

“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” – GB   

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” – Unknown      “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” – Pablo Picasso    

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney    

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino    

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”- George Carlin     

“Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” – John Wagnerf     

“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie    

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain     

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” – Joel Plaskett     

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg     

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips     

“Looking fifty is great — if you’re sixty.” – Joan Rivers   

“At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.” – Unknown
Old age is when it annoys you that the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” – George Burns ”    

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AMERICA

Here are 50 Trivia Questions from Parade.

Parade also offers 50 Fun Thanksgiving Games.

When does Canada celebrate it’s Thanksgiving? (Hint it is earlier in the fall.)

Have you ever wondered what the 20 best Thanksgiving episodes were?

Over the river and past the woods
Still stuck on the Interstate
The turkey grows colder 
as we sit and grow older
It's been over an hour wait

Oh over the river and past the woods
the traffic has not budged
We had food to bring
Til we ate every thing
Hope we are not begrudged.

November 22 is Go for a Ride Day

Depending upon you mode of transportation, going for a ride may be a horse, bike, scooter, car, truck, train, boat, or plane. You can be the passenger or the driver (or in driverless cars, maybe both).

For many of us, going for a ride is taking the car out on the open road.

Pure enjoyment is a dog going for a ride with the head stuck out the window, tongue and ears blowing in the breeze.

For interesting facts about our Interstate system check out Mile Surfer.com.

  • An inter-state highway system was first considered in the 1930’s.
  • Besides being designed to support automobile and heavy truck traffic, interstate highways are also designed for use in military and civil defense operations within the United States, particularly troop movements.
  • The original name was the “National System of Interstate and Defense Highways.” In October 1990, President Bush signed legislation changing it to the Dwight D. Eisenhower System of Interstate and Defense Highways.”
  • The total miles of the Interstate system is 46,837 (2004).
  • Hawaii has an Interstate but there is no other state for it to connect to.

Have you ever been taken for a ride? –Usually when I am not paying enough attention

Have you ever hitchhiked?–A few times in college

Do you remember getting your first driver’s license? What was your first car? –In college and a 1972 white Datsun (before they became Nissan.)

What is your dream car (assuming that money is no obstacle?)–It varies.

When I get inside my car
I decide how fast and far
I'm the owner and primary driver
Sometimes it is my life survivor
when I feel the need to get away
which usually happens once a day

Buffalo Has 6 Feet of Snow

Another reason why getting old sucks….

Buffalo has six feet of snow
Someplace I don't want to go
As I grow older
It feels much colder
This at least I think I know

Years ago, back in my prime
I used to delight in winter time
I'd shovel our walk and the neighbors too
But now my shoveling days are through
Staying in feels more sublime

I used to skate and also sled
Now I stay inside instead
Hope for rain instead of snow
so outside I can safely go
Better safe than hurt or dead.

Some of you may think I'm crazy
Maybe old or  maybe lazy
But someday you will be old too
And you will find things harder to do
But your recall will have become hazy.

Say What?

From a forwarded email

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

English As She Is Spoken

From a forwarded email

ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKEN

More signs from around the world.

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Bangkok:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British
Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.

And finally,
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE

Planes

From a forwarded email

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: “Well, how was that?”

The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but watch this!”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “What did you do?”

The AirBus pilot laughs and says: “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.”

The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.

Dedicated to all my senior friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.

November 12 is National Happy Hour Day

History of National Happy Hour Day

We’re all familiar with it, having seen the advertisement at both bar and restaurant in every corner of the known world. But where did this term first begin, and how did it come to spread across the world? The first instance of the term is difficult to trace, as it was a common reference throughout the centuries, most notably in King Henry V by Shakespeare, where he states “Therefore, my lords, omit no happy hour that may be given furtherance to our expedition.”

As a reference to a particular time of entertainment, however, it can be traced to a much more specific date, in 1913 it originated from the United States Navy. It took only the length of World War I for the term Happy Hour to refer to all periods of indulgence, including smoking, wrestling, boxing, music, movies, and dancing. As a reference to a point of drinking, however, it made its appearance during the prohibition, the term “Happy Hour” referred to that time spent at a speakeasy before retiring to restaurants no longer able to serve alcohol.

Tis the hour to make merry
But when the hour is finally over
Hope it still finds you sober
And not in some jail cell where you tarry

Moderation is the key
Will save your health
And some of your wealth
and help with your sobriety

This advice you may not heed
While you celebrate with cheer
Wine, cocktails or favorite beer
But the law may fine you for your deed.

October 28 is National Chocolate Day

The history of chocolate goes back 2,500 years. Aztecs loved their newly discovered liquid chocolate to the extent that they believed Quetzalcoatl, the god of wisdom, literally bestowed it upon them. Cacao seeds acted as a form of currency. And this was back in the “bitter” chocolate days — before they added sugar! Once chocolate turned sweet — in 16th-century Europe — the masses caught on and turned chocolate into a powerhouse treat.

Several present-day chocolate companies began operations in the 19th and early 20th centuries. Cadbury started in England by 1868. Milton S. Hershey, 25 years later, purchased chocolate processing equipment at the World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago He started the company by producing chocolate-coated caramels. Nestlé, dating back to the 1860s, has grown into one of the largest food conglomerates in the world.

Did you know that chocolate is a fermented food? That’s right, once the cacao pods are picked, cleaned of pithy white material from the fruit and dried, the cacao beans are fermented. The papery shell is removed and cacao nibs are revealed. Chocolatiers then grind them into cocoa mass, separate them into cocoa solids and cocoa butter, and combine them with milk and sugar, or in the case of white chocolate, just the chocolate butter with milk and sugar.
 
Today there’s a move toward dark chocolate since it contains far less sugar. Ghana, Ecuador, and the Ivory Coast,all near the equator, have ideal climates for cacao trees and produce some of the world’s best chocolate. It’s best to look for dark chocolate from those regions.

But there’s a dark side. Child labor has become a serious issue. When you purchase “fair trade

Creamy, crunchy
Dark or light
Total deliciousness
In every bite

Add fruits or nuts
or  in s'mores
All of them
we may adore

Chocolate is my main addiction
My only complaint is too much restriction.


One Road to Inner Peace

From a forwarded email:

If you can start the day without caffeine
 

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
 

If you can resist complaining and boring people 
with your troubles,
 

If you can eat the same food every day and be
grateful for it,
 

If you can understand when your loved ones are 
too busy to give you any time,
 

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
 

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
 

If you can relax without alcohol, 
 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, then you are probably the family dog
 
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.
 
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
 
If you can’t eat it or play with it, piss on it and walk away.

Church Ladies with Typewriters

From a forwarded email.

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–
LARRY!!! Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
————————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow..
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .. Please use the back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.

September 28 is National Drink Beer Day

I have never been a fan of beer and I am the only member of my family who feels that way. When it comes to beer, I do not hop to it, probably because of the taste of hops.

Although the URL say 2019, this is a list of all of the Beer Related Holidays in 2022. (As if football season were not reason enough to drink beer…)

Here are the excuses (er days) to celebrate drinking beer for the rest of the year:

September 28: Drink Beer Day

Drink Beer Day? Isn’t that everyday?

October 3: Last Day of Oktoberfest

The last day of Oktoberfest is always a sad one. End on a high note by drinking your favourite German beers and singing songs with your best pals.

October 9: Beer and Pizza Day

This day is perfect for anyone who commonly wonders “what should I have for dinner tonight?

October 14: Homebrewing Legalization Day

October 14 is the anniversary of the day that homebrewing was legalized in the United States, thanks to President Jimmy Carter, in 1978.

October 27: National American Beer Day

Today’s the day to whip out all your favourite American beers. The second best American holiday besides the 4th of July, of course…oh, and also second best to the other “National Beer Day” in the U.S. that falls on April 7th.

October 31: Halloween

We know that Halloween doesn’t really have anything to do with beer… but let’s drink it anyways! The kids get their candy and the adults get their beer. Here are some of our favourite beers to drink on Halloween night.

November 3: International Stout Day

Finally a day for all you stout lovers! Not sure about stouts or don’t know anything about the beer style? That’s okay! Click here to learn more about stouts.

November 5: Learn How To Home-brew Day

The first Saturday of November is Learn to Homebrew Day. If you’ve been thinking of getting into home-brewing, today is your day!

December 1: First Day of Your Beer Advent Calendar

If you’ve ordered a beer advent calendar, this is usually the day you get to open up your first beer and begin your 24 days of drinking! (Some calendars are only 12 days, so you would start on December 12th!)

December 5: National Repeal Day

Did you know that there was a 13-year-long nation-wide Prohibition that criminalized the consumption of alcohol in the United States? On December 5th, the Prohibition (a.k.a. the “Great Experiment”) was lifted and Americans were free to consume alcohol again.

December 10: National Lager Day

Lagers are some of the most popular beer styles in the world. Celebrate today by cracking open your favourite lager beers and reading this post to learn a little bit more about lagers.

December 31: New Years Eve

Cheers to the New Year! New Year’s is usually associated with Champagne, however, beer is so much better. Don’t believe us? Check out these beers to pop instead of Champagne on NYE!