Cause and Effect?
Category: Humor
Bathroom Signs-IX
Blogger Expressions I Love
Some are comments and some are line from their blogs.
I am adding more years to my life and less shits to my gives. Michele Lee https://myinspiredlife.org/2022/09/17/burn-brightly-w-audio
Include a fart, et voila! Art! Muttoado1sb https://muttado.com/2022/09/17/stuck-for-ideas/
I can’t define bad taste but I’ll know it when I see it. And I could see a lot of it on TV, but nobody talks about banning those phony ‘reality’ shows.
Book banning is the answer for people with large prejudices and small minds. Don Ostertag https://donostertag.wordpress.com/
What a family dynamic that is. “Maybe it is time for David to sell Emmett since he is turning into a real jack ass.”Indeed. Don’t they all? HA HA HA JeanMarie Olivieri https://jeanmarieolivieri.wordpress.com/
“Poets and writers don’t cry. They write to paper.” John Coyote, The Poet Wisp.
“Don’t trifle with useless things, use your time wisely. You must find time to do one thing you enjoy daily.” John Coyote, The Poet Wisp.
“Absolutely! And the stupid virus keeps on mutating and gaining more and more strength!” Francisco Bravo Cabrera https://paintinginvalencia.com/
You don’t always have to stand up to the bullies, but you do have to stand out from the bullies.” Allan https://picturethis203532735.wordpress.com/
I remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind. Edgar Allan Poe Michael “Mouse” Murdoch https://murdochmouse.wordpress.com/2024/01/31/piece-of-mind/
Political Advice
Distracted Walker
Safety is a two way street
Drivers and walkers share
Both should put down their cellphones
Before they meet, unaware
Government Solutions and Problems
Groaner Puns
From a forwarded email.
I once dated a guy who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, he was lack-toes intolerant.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.”
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. I gave her an egg.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right…Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That’s right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
My Car is a COW
COW- Computer on Wheels
I bought a new car last year. The car is reliable, the electronics are not.The first time I left the car sitting for a week while we were on vacation, the radio worked fine when I turned it on in the morning. In the afternoon, the radio had no sound in either FM or SXM mode. I turned the car on and off several times but nothing prompted the radio sound to work. I got home and the car set for about 20 minutes before I took it out to get gas. Sitting the 20 minutes allowed the car to reboot so that the electronics worked.
The next time we went on vacation, all of the electronics worked when I first turned it on. When I went to go home, I got a notice that the emergency response was not working. This concerned me more than the earlier problem with the lack of sound in the radio. I took it to the dealership the next morning. (After the car set all night, the emergency response no longer showed the not working sign.) The dealership could not find any problem with the electronics but reset the system hoping that this would clear up the problem. They also sent me a lovely video showing the complete outside of the car. This made no sense because it was an electronics problem and not a problem with the exterior.
Irregularly the sound on the radio will still not come on, unless I stop the car for several minutes (going in for lunch seems to be enough time the system to reboot itself upon restarting the car.) I thought I had resolved the radio problem by not turning it on until the navigation map appears in the car, but that tweak is not as reliable as turning the car completely off long enough for the systems to reboot themselves.
I used to be a systems librarian where the first thing the help desk would ask me was ”Did you reboot the computer?” In fairness to the Geeks, you had to turn off the computer, do a slow count to 10 before turning it back on. Hitting restart, rather than off, w-a-i-t-i-n-g about 10 second and then turning it on, usually did not reboot the system. Guess my COW has the same philosophy.
Cooked Green Sandals?
Cooked greens were tough.
Maybe the vegan
sandals weren't boiled enough.
Nerd Dictionary
From a forwarded email.
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
Some of these are repeats.
Drunken Gnome
We discovered the drunken gnome
passed out and unable to roam.
He’d drunk too much from his glass
fell face first with bared ass
unable to make it back home.
Pressed for Time
Are you
- Depressed because you lack time?
- Impressed because of all of the time you have saved?
- Suppressed because you are never given enough time?
- Oppressed because you time keeps getting taken away?
- Compressed because time seems to keep shrinking?
- Unimpressed because you were not given the time your were promised?
- Expressed because you complaints about needing time were ignored?
- Repressed because you are ignored time after time?
- Outpressed because you lifted more weights within the designated time?
- Appressed because at times you were crowded too close?
- Hotpressed because you at times you worked with glossing paper or cloth?
- Coldpressed because it was the wrong time to sit your hams on a cold bench while wearing thin pants?
You may have thought I was only talking about the time need to iron clothes or print a newspaper 😉
Punintended from Kaushal Kishore
Abbey Roads: Variations on a Theme
Popular since the sixties
Still in high demand
Even their iconic photo
Has versions, they never planned
Definition of OLD
From a forwarded email.
| #1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”! Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?””98,” she replied: “Two years older than me” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?” |
| #3 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” |
| #4 I’ve sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license. |
| #5 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. |
| #6 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.”Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week” |
| #7 My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. |
| #8 Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. |
| #9 It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. |
| #10 These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’ |
In her minds eye
she was at least middle aged
energetic, busy
with nice hair
good skin
and decent eye sight.
The mirror told her
that her mind
was lying.
Maybe she needed
a better pair of glasses.
Jeopardy for Seniors
From a forwarded email.
| THIS MAY BE HARDER THAN YOU MAY THINK. |
| THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER THEM.Let’s see how good your memory is. Don’t look at the answers until the end. 01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask,”Who was that masked man?”Invariably, someone would answer, “I don’t know, but he left this behind.”What did he leave behind? A ______ ______. 02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The __ ________ Show. 03. “Get your kicks, __ _____ __!” 04.The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _______ ___ _______.’ 05. ‘In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___ ____ ______ _______. ’06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we ‘danced’ under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ‘_____.’ 07. Nestle’s makes the very best… _________.’ 08. Satchmo was America ‘s ‘Ambassador of Goodwill.’ Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ____ _________ .09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ___ _____ _____. 10. Red Skeleton’s hobo character was named ______ ___ __________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, ‘Good Night, and ‘___ ____ .’ 11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their _____ _____. 12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ______ or ___. 13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, ‘the day the music died.’ This was a tribute to _____ _____. 14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called _______. 15. One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _____-____ .16. Remember LS/MFT _____ ______ /_____ ____ _______. 17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It’s _____ _____ ____! 18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The ______ Knows 19.There was a song that came out in the 60’s that was “a grave yard smash”. It’s name was the _______ ____! 20. Alka Seltzer used a “boy with a tablet on his head” as it’s Logo/Representative What was the boy’s name was ______. ANSWERS:01. The Lone Ranger left behind… A silver bullet 02. The Ed Sullivan Show 03. On Route 66 04. To protect the innocent 05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight 06. The limbo 07. Chocolate 08. Louis Armstrong 09. The Timex Watch 10. Freddy, The Freeloader and ‘Good Night and God Bless.’ 11. Draft Cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hula-hoop 16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco 17. Howdy Doody Time 18. Shadow 19. Monster Mash 20. Speedy Send this to your ‘older’ friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes. |
Copy Cats
Are copy cats
*felines that mimic every thing you do
*bullies that mock your every word or twitch
*two kitties that look and act like book ends
*AI that steals all of your best ideas without
attribution or apology
*or cats/kittens that provide you with something to write about?
To Whom It May Concern
Although you seem fastidious
You really are oblivious
You carefully line the toilet seat
So your butt and it shall never meet
But tell me why when the job is done
The paper is left, wet from number one?
Found too many times in the women’s restroom in a restaurant on Fisherman’s Wharf in Monterey.
Arroz con Parfume
It arrived at the table
A minute ahead of her
Affecting the final after taste of
My heretofore lovely salmon
And changing my arroz con leche
To arroz con parfume.
The Easter Bunny
A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car.
The driver, being a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulls
over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to the man’s dismay, he
discovers the rabbit is the
Easter Bunny
and that he is now DEAD!
The man feels so awful that he
begins to cry right there on the road.
A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees the man
crying on the side of the road and
pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks
the man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible!”, he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
with my car and KILLED him!”
The blonde says,”Don’t worry!”
She runs to her car and pulls out
a spray can. She walks over to the
limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends
down, and sprays the contents all
over him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves
his paw at the two of them, and hops
off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again. Then he hops down
the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns
and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again and again until
he hops clear out of sight.
The man is astonished! He runs over
to the woman and demands, “What
is in that can? What did you spray
on the Easter Bunny?”
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you’re gonna be sorry.)
(Last chance…)
(Ok, here it is…..)
It says…
“Hair Spray”
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds a permanent wave.
(I tried to warn you!)
HappyEaster!
:>)xo
e-Quips 